The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
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