woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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