Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
