At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
