Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
