I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
