hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
