Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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