just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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