would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
