Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize