I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
