Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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