It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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