NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
