I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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