My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
