Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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