I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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