i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
