Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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