The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
