Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
