I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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