Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
