I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
All I want is dick and wine.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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