the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
His hands were made for my vagina.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
