so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
