I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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