I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
