Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
