then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
