So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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