god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
