I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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