just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
