you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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