Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
