I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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