No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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