My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
