life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
