Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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