I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
