I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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