This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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