i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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