I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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