I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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