i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
