Old men and throwing up are my life now.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
