Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize