This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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