his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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