he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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