Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
