I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
