literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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