What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
